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The Disco Before the Breakdown. So, you opened this ad. I suppose that's half the battle. Now, before we get too tangled up in this web, let's go ahead and knock a few things out, as it were. First: This ad is xxx hundred percent serious. That seems a strange statement right now, but it will make more and more sense as you read. Secondly: If you are looking for key phrases like "Well endowed", "Hard body", or "Handsome and rich", then I'm very sorry to disappoint. You may wanna keep on moving, hot mom women Brantome Ma'am! But, wasn't it at least sort of sweet that I went ahead and pointed that out to you from the get-go? I'll go ahead and answer for you. Yes. Yes, it was. Third, and lastly: God bless you, woman, if you're still reading this. Seriously. You're either really ugly yourself, sadly desperate, or morbid curiousity has gotten the best of you, and you want to see to what depths such an odd, borderline retarded craigslist ad can reach. 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Things that make people, for lack of better word, happy. Things that entertain people. Maybe I felt and still feel like since I'm not very good-looking, maybe I should commit myself to giving people something that's not based entirely on my dearth of excellence, or model-ish good looks? Or, perhaps, since I seldom had a date, I needed hobbies to occupy my Friday and Saturday nights? Either way, I think it works for me. Not because I have absolutely no other options, but just because I generally like to make others happy. Wether it be with a funny joke, a compliment, or a song or a sketch. Or, fuck it, maybe because it is an utter lack of options. However, aside from all this content that can be generally construed as negativity, I do like to remain at least quasi-positive. At very least, proactively appathetic. Oh yeah. I went there. Suck on that oxymoron, why don't ya! Face! Okay, back on track. I'm sort of a dreamer. Okay, fuck it, I've been really honest so far. Why lie, now? I'm a big dreamer. I believe in story book endings. Hell, if I didn't, I would be a way bigger asshole now than I already am. I mean, everyone needs something to believe in, right? Something by which to look forward? If not, why are we even doing this? Why am I writing this? Moreover, why would you be reading this? You wouldn't be. If you didn't, at least, dream a little, you would've accepted a long time ago that everyone sucks and everything is fucked. Well, guess what? It is! But that's not an excuse to give up. Isn't that the name of the game? Survival? To keep trudging onward and upward? To hit that metaphorical wall and keep proceeding forward? You don't stop and put it in reverse. You ass your way through. Shit, even navigating around it will do in a pinch, but you keep pushing through. So, that's why I'm here. Because my fucking reverse switch is broken, Bitch! Oh, sorry. I got carried away there. But you get my point, right? All questions and cryptic metaphors aside; I'm here because I'm not ready to give up and be al xxx Not quite yet, anyhow. Maybe all these failed relationships, and miserable endeavors of love and humanity have all been there for the singular purpose of teaching me something. I have no fucking clue what that could be, aside from learning that my heart can take an ass-kicking like a champ. But, I like to stay positive. Maybe this huge, substantial, sbf seeking a tall guy massage sex Imperatriz life-altering lesson hasn't been made clear yet, but surely it's coming soon. Or maybe I'm just talking out of my ass? Shit, who knows? Wow, this is becoming far more candid than I ever wanted it to be. I dream. I wish. I hope. I beg and plead that maybe, just maybe, something so trivial and asinine as a personal ad will bring about something spectacular. Like xxx of those sadly unfunny romantic comedies that Hollywood churns out about once a month. A relationship so meaningful that it's happy ending justifies its means of the second act conflict. I don't know exactly for what I'm looking. For fucks sake, I do well to make a decision on half-and-half or that fake, powdered cream shit, every morning in my coffee. But, I have formed a general planogram for the person I'm looking to find. Idealy, I want someone intelligent. If I have to explain every other word that comes out of my mouth, we're both going to get exhausted rather quickly. I want someone whose outside matches their inside. I don't want to throw around words like "Pretty" or "Hot" because, afterall, that shits all subjective, anyhow, and I have a different taste from most in looks when it comes to women. Although, I will be honest and go ahead and say that if you're a large gal that looks like a foot, I probably won't be interested. I mean, shit, I'm chubby and ugly enough for both of us, thanks. Again, I'm trying to stay honest here, while at the same time, not trying to restrict or limit myself because beauty, these things, they're all subjective. Chances are if every sentence in this ad made sense to you, I like you already. Okay. Onward. I've revealed far more about myself than I ever meant to with this infernal thing. So, honestly, I'm probably not going to reply to just any ol' response you shoot me. I mean, fuck, re-reading this thing, I actually embarrassed myself. So, if you want to reply, please, by all means, do so. But try to be original. And that's not the tall order that it sounds. I promise. I'm just looking for more than "Hi. You seem cool." You know what I mean? Besides, I wrote the motherfucker. I know, for a fact, that the word "cool" isn't the first thing that comes to mind when you read it. Words like "Sad" and "Straight-Jacket" do. So, yeah, you're not fooling me with your trumpery, Lady! 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